This last weekend I went to a really amazing and small kick back/ house show. Some of the musicians were absolutely captivating. One of them did an awesome rendition of this song by the Avett Brothers:
He also played this song by Brett Dennen:
Being at that house and watching those awesome musicians enjoy one and other's company over wine in a dimly lit room (haha, so dreamy) reminded me of the times I used to spend at "the Ranch" back in high school. The Ranch consisted of two small buildings/shacks located on large patch of land in the Santa Monica Mountains. My friend's family settled the land way back in the day, but his grandparents decided to sell it to the government. Unfortunately, the land was taken from my friend and given to the government the year that I graduated from high school. At the Ranch, I experienced some intense and wonderful relationships with truly enlightening people, and always under strangely comfortable circumstances. Hanging out with them made me feel like I was always exactly where I was supposed to be.
So, as I sat listening to live music with this new group of rascals in Portland, I totally got into my own head. I was thinking about how much I've changed since my Ranch-going days. Comparatively speaking, I have about 10% of the energy and curiosity for life that I used to. Back then my main intentions were focused around experiences: I was going to make life my bitch :). Now, I've wrapped myself so far up in school, work, and stress, that it all turned on me. Life turned me into it's bitch!
Not to make this any more depressing, but, thinking back on this past week, all the days just seem to melt into one and other. (That reminds me of some lyrics by Modest Mouse: "In this life that we call home, the years go fast and the days go so slow"). By the time I finally get into bed at night to write in my journal and figure it all out, my mental capacity is shot and I can't think of anything. What's even more unfortunate is, I just don't care. I'm utterly and entirely burnt out, and too lazy to do anything about it. Since when did I get so.....pathetic?
On a lighter note, I'm really in love with the fact that I'm experiencing all these depressing sentiments. For quite awhile I was feeling very hollow and disattached. I think it was because I was intentionally ignoring everything about myself that bothered me. Ignoring it makes it go away, right? ha, nope. It kinda just makes you hate yourself. But all this self-reflection is really creating a awesome feeling of awareness in me. The fact that I'm questioning everything means that I will eventually stumble upon an answer. I'll eventually have to figure it out. And so goes karma, the bad turns into good, the confusion into clarity :)
Also, I just signed up for classes in Australia, and I will be booking my flight by the end of the week. On my return flight home from Sydney, I can opt for a "stopover" for an additional $200 and stop in either Fiji or New Zealand for however long I want. They both sound epic. I want to go to New Zealand, but it will be winter by the time I get there, and I won't have the proper attire for a winter in New Zealand. So we will see.
For awhile, the requirements surrounding this whole Australia thing were just another thing to stress about. For awhile, I was simply making myself do it because I felt like I had to. Now that it's all falling into place, a small but significant inkling of adventure is starting to grab ahold of me again. I'm starting to recognize why I'm making myself go, and that feeling reminds me of the feeling I used to get back at the Ranch :). It makes me feel like my life is mine again. No school, no work, no pressure. Just my decisions and the freedom to move from one place to the next :)
Wait a few seconds for the sound to start in this video, and then enjoy the crap out of it
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