Winter Break Reads

Right now I'm currently going through a phase where I kind of act like a grandma.  It's great.  In fact, I was looking forward to winter break because I would finally have time to read and crochet and drink wine and relax. 


I'm getting through The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath right now because it was highly recommended by my roommate and neighbor (Camila and Katy).  I'm about half way through and so far it's pretty great.  It's inspiring me to write again, but my inspirations never last long so nothing ever gets done. 


After this book I'm moving onto Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami.  Camila suggested it and it looks really interesting.  


I've been debating about whether or not to switch from buying books to renting them from the library.  But that conflicts with my fantasy of accumulating enough books to fill a library in the house that I will one day own.  I imagine it to be a lot like Belle's library from Beauty and the Beast.  The books will line the walls and there will be a desk with a globe and computer.  Also, a big rug and a huuuge comfy brown leather chair.   


dreamy

Seeing as I have mentioned both Beauty and the Beast and the Bell Jar I had to draw the parallels between the bell jar in the movie and the title of the book.  I'm very excited about that. 

bell jar

–noun

a bell-shaped glass jar or cover for protecting delicate instruments, bric-a-brac, or the like, or for containing gases or a vacuum in chemical experiments.

Also called bell glass.

Home

talk about a dreamy photo:

Photo By: Paul Mocey-Hanton

Before I left Portland I really loved the Bon Iver song called Re:Stacks and was especially inspired by the quote that says,

"This is not the sound of a new man or a crispy realization; it's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away"

It really hit home because, ever since I moved to Portland, I have had so many realizations about myself and what I should be doing.  After those lyrics, I realized that realizations just may not be enough sometimes.

For example, I was in the shower a few weeks ago and I was really not looking forward to getting out to have to do homework and annoying things, when I realized that all of the things I need to do I want to do.  Why else would I be doing them? Then I felt really great knowing that I want to do everything I have to do =).

But then I heard those lyrics one night and finally recognized that I actually have to act on these aimless thoughts.  I should start to do the things I've always needed to do, because I want to do them!! And for the first time in a very, very long time, I am actually enthusiastic about getting started.  I've got great plans, like rock climbing and working for the school magazine, and getting a job, and exploring, and...and...and...

So I'm basically waiting for next quarter to start adventuring, but I was inconvenienced by the fact that I had to come home first.  It's amazing what home will do to your perspective on things.  I'm suddenly not so enthusiastic about anything.  And I spend most of my time reading and other means of escape (I recently took up crocheting).  I'm so irritated too, because I can't write when I'm home either.

But here I am.  And all of my great friends here are in relationships and I feel like I'm just watching their relationships and fantasizing about me one day having one, hahaha.

Yesterday my brother gave me a response to the first question I asked on this blog: What is the feeling of love?

He said that it is basically feeling absolutely safe and comfortable in the world knowing that that person exists and you are with them.  I thought that was a great description.  Of course, now I am swooning over that feeling and daydreaming about where to find it.  ::sigh::

That actually brings me back to the lyrics I originally began with.  The entire stanza goes like this:

"This is not the sound of a new man or a crispy realization, its the sound of the unlocking and the lift away.  Your love will be safe with me".

totally makes me crave something I've never felt.

Home to California

Katy, Evyn, and I started the drive from Portland down to Oregon yesterday morning.  We were supposed to stay in San Francisco with a few buddies but things got flakey and we stopped off the 80 to stay with my cousin, Monica, at the last minute.

Monica just married my cousin Cameron who's traveling for work right now and she's seven-months-pregnant with her baby Teo.  Right now, she's cooking us a big breakfast and then it's back on the road.

I got a speeding ticket for 80 in a 65 and I'm so pissed.  I think I'm eligible for traffic school, but still.

I'm also learning to crochet and I've collected a few great books to read over break.  So I'm pretty much going to be crocheting and reading like an old woman for three weeks.  I'm so excited!!!!!!

Here's Some Good Soundtracks

I've been listening to a lot of really great movie soundtracks lately and decided I must share. These are in no particular order.


The most recent one I've come across (and LOVE) has been around for a bit, but my roommate just handed it over to me.  It's the Little Miss Sunshine CD and it is primarily made up of Devotchka and some Sufjan, plus the random songs like Rick James Super Freak.  Devotchka's "How It Ends" is so amazing.




The next one is a little more recent and highly proclaimed: 500 Days of Summer.  I thought the movie tried a little too hard to be "indie", but I still found myself swooning over it weeks later.  And the soundtrack makes up for it trying too hard.  It's got really great Regina Spektor songs, mixed with some of the Smiths, Feist, and Wolfmother.  Highly recommended.




Then there is the Amélie soundtrack.  Yann Tiersen is such a great composer.  And don't get me started on my fatty girl crush I have for Audrey Tautou. It's possibly one of my favorite movies.  





This next one is a bit older, and extremely popular, but that doesn't mean it's not amazing. Juno had an undeniably great soundtrack, with tunes from Kimya Dawson, Belle & Sebastian, and Cat Power. I don't listen to it quite as much anymore, but whenever it comes on shuffle I kind of have to sing.


The last one I'm going to mention is possibly one of the greatest soundtracks of this generation. It's actually the reason why I wrote this post in the first place. I'd like to give special homage to the Garden State soundtrack. Yes, it's somewhat outdated now, but it's still amazing. The album as a whole produces feelings of happy nostalgia. Plus, Natalie Portman is my hero. Any girl who can shave their had and look as creamy as Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta is gold in my books.

Music Videos Well Done

Bananas in PJ's

First of all, I totally forgot about this show until the jingle randomly popped into my head, so I youtubed it.  The episode that popped up was this one about garden gnomes.   




It really makes me want to be a children's author all over again. 

Fail

Andrew Bird says, "Being alone, it can be quite romantic"

Tom Robbins says, "While a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment.  Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter"

He also says, "We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love"

And lastly he says, "Funny how we always think of romance as involving two, when the romance of solitude can be ever so much more delicious and intense.  Alone the world offers itself freely to us.  To be unmasked, it has no choice"

Even though I don't have a boyfriend, I try to make my life as romantic as possible.  I go out alone a lot and watch people while listening to really great music.  It's usually along the lines of Kings of Convenience: Quiet is the New Loud or like, the Garden State Soundtrack.  Stuff like that.  Music always manages to make a situation seem more surreal and fuzzy.  

Anyways, usually on these outings I do homework or read and fantasize about my future husband coming up and introducing himself to me in various ways.  So, it was really sunny a few days ago here in Portland, and I decided to bring my homework to the Park Blocks for a date with myself.  I found a sunny patch on the lawn and sat down to wait.  While reading for my Asian American Lit class some bug crash landed on my neck and fell into the grass.  

It scared the crap out of me.  I looked down and there it was...a huge, black fly.  Honestly, really big.  It was crawling up a blade of grass.  I thought it was going to fly off again (although I don't know how it even managed to lift itself, it was so fat) but it didn't, it just kept crawling around.  

I put my pencil down next to it and it hopped on. I started slowly twisting the pencil and the little fatty kept its balance on top, taking little baby steps to stay on.  It was a little circus fly!!  Perhaps my future husband had walked by at that moment, but decided to keep walking because I was playing with a fly.  I put the pencil down and the fly jumped off and burrowed itself into the blades.  It didn't move again and, although I didn't nudge it or anything to make sure, I'm pretty sure it died. 

   

Water

The above picture was taken by Paul Mocey-Hanton and I LOVE it.

He is a great photographer, check out his stuff at paulmoceyhanton.com

It makes me wonder about water.

I watched the video What the Bleep Do We Know a few years back and the water scene always stuck with me.



If intent can do that to water, I'm changing my attitudes toward things.

My friend Adam Moskowtiz takes great pictures of objects reflecting off water.  I got these from his website.

My blog doesn't do it justice.  He's got other great ones at: http://www.amoskowitz.com/

I feel compelled to hydrate.

Last Class

We watched a great movie in my Asian American Lit & Culture class last night.  I've been thinking about it all day.  It's called Robot Stories

I also bought a camcorder a few days ago.  I need to get a flash drive (I didn't realize how expensive they are!) and then I'll be able to start documenting things.  I'm excited about it.

Also, it's finals week here at PSU, and I've got two essays to write and a final on Wednesday.  Then I'm on my way back home to California.

That reminds me of a great song by the Finches called Goettingen, Du.  If you haven't heard it, check it out.

hmmm, I can't wait to see the beach again.

Street Car

Today, an older woman sat next to me while I was waiting for the streetcar. She looked like she was her seventies. She was wearing a brown, fake fur coat and carrying a basketful of goodies. She painted on her eyebrows and was wearing bright red lipstick. It seemed like she was trying to pull off the whole Russian Super Model look despite her wrinkles. She was pretty though; I assumed she was beautiful when she was younger.

She asked me what time it was and I told her it was 2:23. I usually don't make small talk with people because it kind of stresses me out, but I was in a good mood and decided to ask the woman how her day was going. She was caught off guard for a moment and then replied,

"It's fine, thanks."

"Good," I said and gave her a closed mouth smile. To my surprise, she continued the conversation.

"Where are you heading to?"

"I'm on my way over to PSU. I have class over there."

"Oh, great! What's your study?"

"English. I'm an English major. I also..."

"That's a great major. I love stories. You also what?"

"I also live over there, on campus."

"Oh, do you live in the Montgomery building?"

"No, I'm right by there actually, in the Blumel building."

"Oh that's nice. I used to go to PSU."

I was surprised. "Oh, really? Did you get you get a bachelor's degree there?"

"No," She paused for a moment. "I was working on it, but there was a tragedy in the family and I couldn't find it in me to get through it."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. That's terrible..." I wasn't sure how to respond, but she continued talking.

She mumbled, "Yea, a relative. He was stabbed to death...in the park blocks..."

"In the Park Blocks?! That's terrifying, I thought that area was a safer part of town."

"No, no. It can be dangerous anywhere."

"Yes, that's true. I try not to walk alone around here at night."

"This happened in broad daylight, at around 5:00 pm."

"You have got to be kidding me! Daytime in the Park Blocks?"

"Yes, the man came up to him and just started stabbing him."

My mouth hung open in disbelief.

"And to make it worse, he was just beginning to recover from a head injury two weeks before. Someone had dropped a stereo from their room and it landed on him. He hadn't been able to speak because of it. He was just beginning to get his speech back when it happened."

This part of the story seemed somewhat confusing to me. She also mentioned something about the man having two broken hands, but I'm not sure of the details there.

"That's awful. Why, if you don't mind me asking, why was he attacked?"

"He lived in Montgomery" (was that why she asked if I lived there?) "and had let one of his neighbors borrow $15. I guess the neighbor was having issues with his girlfriend when he asked for the money back, because he just...flipped and attacked him."

"Did they ever catch the guy who did it?"

"Yes, but not until a year later. And he only served ten years for it."

"10 years? That makes me sick. So...unfair," I was beginning to run out of things to say.

At this point the streetcar had arrived and we both stood up and walked on together. She stood next to me and continued talking.

"So, after that happened I just couldn't find it in me to finish school there. It was too much."

"That's entirely understandable. That's so hard. When did this happen?"

"1989." That's the year I was born. While I was still swimming around in my mom's belly, this woman was dealing with the death of her relative. I wondered if the relative could've been her son. Was one of her own babies stabbed to death as I was getting ready to be born? I wondered if the story was true at all.

"Or was it '87? It was either '87 or '89. A long time ago."

I couldn't think of anything to say. She changed the subject.

"Are you in the choir at school?"

"No, I wish. I've never been able to carry a tune."

"Oh, I used to sing for the choir when I went to PSU. Over in Lincoln Hall. When I left the school I started singing for the church choir at St. Michael's."

The lady then went on to tell me that details about singing for the church and how she stopped doing that when the pastor she liked left. She took up classical piano about ten years ago and it helps to calm her mind. I told her I could listen to classical piano all day.

We both got off the streetcar at 11th and Clay.

"Have a great day, it was wonderful talking to you," I said to her as we began to part ways.

"Yes, it was. Bye."

"Happy Holidays!" I somewhat yelled as I walked. I heard her reply, "You, too!" and I kept walking. It was 2:43 pm. I wondered if I would ever see her again.

Sunny Days

 

A young couple walked into Starbucks today. From the moment I saw them I could tell they were in love. From the way they held hands, the way they looked at one and other, and the way the girl smiled when he ordered his drink. It was really cute and heart-wrenching and I must have looked like a total dork as I swooned over them from behind my laptop.

It made me think. A few years back I believed that romantic love did not exist. I had this crazy notion that love was a made up emotion created to dramatize literature and other forms of art. It gave characters reasons to act spontaneously, or to show different characteristics. As theater progressed, so did various ideas of love. Looking at it then, I could only see love in the way that Hollywood has portrayed it. Even now, it's hard for me to examine the concept of love without integrating all the things I've seen on TV about it.

As I watched the couple in Starbucks, I could see the feelings they had for one and other, but wouldn't those be feelings of lust? Isn't love supposed to be something much deeper than physical interaction and jittery hearts?

No one has accurately described to me what it feels like to be in love. They've described heart-break pretty well, I definitely understand what it is to be heart-broken, but love is a whole other thing. Every time I ask someone they just go, "Well, it's kinda like, I think about him all the time..." or "You just know". I guess I "just know" what it is not to be in love.

I suppose I'm entirely ignorant to the subject because it's never hit me. But if Hollywood is right about love, it just doesn't seem probable that I'll ever find myself in it.

So, until I fall in love, can someone please tell me: What does it feel like to be in love? Is it some heaven sent emotion that lifts you off your feet, or is it real? Is it a distinct emotion that you can pinpoint at certain times throughout the day? Can anyone give me an answer without using Hollywood stereotypes?

I've thought for awhile now that love is real. I see couple's like the one in Starbucks all over the place. But until I get a legitimate answer, or until I fall in love, there's a part of me that still thinks it may just all be make believe.